So the physical abuse was my fault?

When your drunk ex-boyfriend texts you one random night and you are just on day 4 of your antidepressants.

“I went thru soooo much shit with you..And it accounted for nothing..Yeah I grabbed you by the neck but it turns out you deserved it..”

Not exactly what I need right now.

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So much peace

I wanted to share that not only did I get the much needed peace from my mom from this last Encounter, I also got peace from my ex.  I was so happy about my news that I wanted to share it with Drew, because he knew how much I needed that peace from my mom for so long. And he was so very happy for me that I was able to reconnect with my mother at Encounter and feel again. That just put so much faith in me, that God does heal all wounds. The wounds my ex caused me and the wounds I caused him and the wounds my mom and I had together. I’m just so in awe at the works of the Lord.

Encounter the Cross

So I believe the last post I wrote, I was in the midst of depression. I was battling some demons from my past, and it just wore me down every day. Then my husband suggested I go talk to a counselor at church. So I did, I went and gave a quick schpiel of my life of the last 2 years. She had some ideas for me, one which was to go to a women’s bible study. So I started going to that and after a couple sessions, I could feel my depression subsiding. But I still felt like something was missing in my life. I prayed to God to help me find peace from my past, and yet I was still searching.

I went to my 4th “Women’s Encounter” this past weekend with my mother. The 1st time was in March 2016, I was struggling really bad with drugs and my faith was very thin. I had little hope that I could rise above my drug addiction. But I encounter the Holy Spirit that weekend and my heart started beating again. He had filled me up with so much hope and love that I was floating on cloud 9 for days after I got home. I was excited to tell everyone I knew about my new found faith. And I did, but my mom was skeptical. During my drug years, our relationship was strained and very hard to keep together. I had asked my mom to go with me to the next encounter but she said no. I asked her many times to go to the next one, but still she said no. I went to my 3rd Encounter  in October 2016 with my Grama Ruby, it was a great experience to share with her but I didn’t encounter the Holy Spirit that weekend, but I left still floating on a cloud. I wasn’t able to go to the March or July Encounter this year because I was getting ready for my wedding in April and in July we were getting ready to move into  a new house. But my mother had agreed to go with me to the October Encounter just this past weekend, so I was definitely ready when it rolled around.  I went hoping to find some peace from my past and came out with so much more than I expected.

Though my mom and I had rekindled our relationship over this last year, what I left with from Encounter was an inner peace from the Holy Spirit that healed my heart & soul and my mother’s. It was the last session and while other people were praying with each other, I was just sitting next to my mom, with my head on her shoulder and my hand in hers. Then it happened. Tears slowly ran down my face and I felt this urge to just let it all out and cry in her arms. Which I’ve wanted to do for the last 5 years; just have her hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I regret not going to her when I needed her,  but I was on drugs and didn’t want anybody’s help. But within an hours time frame, my mom and I were able to just hold each other, cry, say things we longed to say, hear things we longed to hear, and most of all find peace with one another. I realized on the way home that I felt much lighter, my soul was finally at peace, and I wasn’t even worried about my past. My past is just my past. And i’m ready to move forward without fear of my past anymore.

PRAISE THE LORD!!Encounter the Cross22552864_188777301690951_5215418343845715004_n

blues

I don’t think i’m depressed…however my husband has asked me that question the last few days. I don’t go to sleep when he does, I stay up late. I don’t have much of an appetite, only because my stomach gets upset, but I still eat anyways. I know when I start to feel down, i’ll turn on my christian music. However, today i’ve been reminiscing songs from my childhood, then from high school, and college, which college had some really sad songs. My husband and I work at the same place, however i’m inside in the clubhouse and he’s always outside working with maintenance. So he’s in the hot humid air, and i’m usually wearing a sweater in the pro shop. So when I get home, I just want to be outside and he’d rather be inside. But that’s okay, we still spend time together.

i know i’m not alone on this, but i don’t like my job. I don’t like that i can’t spend time with my husband on the weekends, job free. I don’t like how i have different schedules every week and not a steady hourly schedule. I don’t like how i am not appreciated and taken for granted a lot there. I don’t like the the customers; spoiled, snoody, drunk, and rude members. I don’t like their spoiled kids. I don’t like how since it’s a private club that the members think they have seniority over employees. I don’t like answering the phone. I don’t like opening, i don’t like closing. i don’t like small talk in the morning with the coffee drinkers. i don’t like people saying to me “coming in for your shift eh? ready to work?” i don’t like members complaining about the pace of play. i don’t like the members asking me why the range is closed or why it’s carts on path…sorry i don’t make the rules, don’t ask me. i don’t like when members ask me if they can go play before we are even open. I don’t like when the members think that they can just go play whenever they want without a tee time. I don’t like  the members who like to get free stuff and take advantage of the club by staying out past dark. I don’t like my job. It’s really hard for me to drive to work and not even think about just driving past it and going as far away from it as possible. I am grateful for my boss giving me the opportunity to work there. That job has allowed me to move out on my own, out of a bad relationship, helped me quit my bad habit, I even met my husband there. I’m grateful for all those opportunities that have changed my life. however, the environment has killed me inside. I don’t have patience for high rollers flashing their 100s and 50s in their money clips. I am so over the snoody snobby people that judge me for what i wear or questions i can’t answer. i am tired of feeling like the 3rd wheel there. i am tired of wasting all the potential i have for a very purposeless job that won’t let me move up. I am tired of not feeling appreciated.

so maybe i am depressed. i’ve applied many place that peak my interest. i’ve tried applying with schools for para positions, although i know my rocky past has hindered my on those potential jobs. I can’t change my past, i am a different person, and if they gave me a chance, i would work my butt off to be the greatest para i know i can be.  i just don’t have the confidence that i’ll get that chance. which is why i’m kinda down, because i’m miserable at my current job and want to have a purposeful job. I don’t know what my purpose is, Lord, please guide me to it. Restore some hope in me, help me be confident and help me to be patient.

Transformation 

So I just wanted to show anyone who reads my blog how wonderful the Lord is. 

I had been addicted to drugs for almost 5 years…started with cocaine and then I moved onto meth. Meth was my hardest battle. Meth stole everything from me. I got down to 92lbs at 5’7. I lost relationships with friends and even lost a relationship with my brother than has been very hard. I got fired from a few jobs for attendance because I didn’t care about making money, just cared about getting my fix. I messed up a very good job that I still regret to this day. But I through my addiction I never stopped searching for God. In the wee hours of the morning, I would search for any signs that jumped out at me while skimming through the Bible or in lyrics. My aunt reached out to me and invited me to a women’s encounter and I found my God I’ve been looking for. I recommitted my life to Christ and even though I’ve hit some snags along the way after that I still kept my eye on the Lord. He gave my a chance to start over. He gave me my life back and I’ve managed to stay sober for over a year now. I was able to walk down the aisle with my dad on my wedding day a sober woman. I owe everything to Christ. Without him, I don’t exist. 

Self-doubt

So I’ve been at this private golf course for a year and 4 months. This job has given me so much that my last job couldn’t. It gave me the chance to get out of my bad relationship and move into my own apartment. It gave me the chance to work hard to stop my bad habits that my last job only enabled. It gave me my wonderful husband, who I met working here. However, I’m very happy with the blessings I’ve received from this job. But the downside to working here is that there is no room for me to move up in this company. everyone that works here has a very permanent residence with this company. My boss’s wife is the business manager, the general manager’s daughter is the membership manager. And unless i want to become a golf professional, which i don’t, i won’t be able to move up. I got into this industry by coincidence, my dad was working the public course just during the summer (he’s a teacher so it’s not like he really needs to work, but he likes the free golf) and i needed another job so he brought me in and the manager just gave me the job. so I worked at Cherry Oaks for 4 years before I came here. But I had different jobs in the meantime; I was a para for a month, I worked with adults with disabilities for 6 months until I got hurt on the job, and I worked odd jobs along with those. But I know what i’m doing, this job isn’t hard. It’s just not taking me anywhere, and at the end of the day I don’t feel like I’ve changed anybody’s life.

I want to feel useful at my job. I want to feel like i’m making a difference.

I applied for an Elementary Reading Para in my hometown and haven’t heard from the school since I applied.  My confidence is rather thin and my self-doubt is sky high. Satan knows how to get in my head and tell me i’m not worth a better job. He knows how to break me down and make me fall apart. I try to give my worries to God. I pray and hope for a new start everyday. I don’t like praying for myself because i don’t like to be selfish. i always pray for other people to gain happiness. i’m pretty happy with my life right now. i’m married to a wonderful christian man, i am employed (even if i don’t like my job), i have a vehicle, my health is good, i’m sober and i have a great family. i have a pretty good life.

I just hope something better comes along soon. I would like to be able to have a good job that makes me feel good after a long day. Like I helped a student learn and feel good about themselves. I would be a great para. I wasn’t when before, because I wasn’t sober. But i know what i did wrong. Everything. and i think, given a second chance, i could really prove to myself and my family that I was meant to help kids learn and succeed. When i was in elementary school, I was part of the Kool Kats, kids who needed help in certain areas of learning. I needed help with math and reading. I made wonderful connections with the high school students that helped me and the teachers of the class. I feel like I can give back what those people gave to me.

i’ll keep praying until something comes my way. If i don’t get that job, God isn’t saying “No”, he’s just saying “not yet”.