hard love

so my life got really interesting a couple days ago. One of my ex’s called me. I dated him back in 2005 for a short while when I was in college. He lived in Winfield and I still lived in Cheney… so it was tough to see him. I loved him..more than any guy i’ve ever dated. It was a tough love b/c he worked alot and we hardly ever saw each other. Well it got to the point where we weren’t seeing each other at all…it was horrible…i tried killing myself and he still didn’t seem to care…

i had just convinced myself that he was dead. i had to let him go. now he calls me up, telling me he’s getting a divorce and that i’m the biggest regret he’s ever had. he misses me, wants to be with me, tells me i’m beautiful. i’m scared to let him back into my life. maybe i should just talk to him. crap.

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Why I’m here…

Sometimes at night I dream about my grandpa Hank. He was killed when I was 12 from working under a semi truck at his shop and the jacks fell. For many years I thought it was my fault that he didn’t follow his own safety rules because he was hurrying. I had my first piano recital the evening he was killed. My grandma had already arrived at my house and we were just waiting for grandpa. Just as my dad was about to take me to rehearsal…the phone rang. My dad answers and then passes the phone to my mom where I heard the worst  cries ever. I never played in that piano recital. I quit piano lessons shortly after that. I just gave up. I have dreams where my grandpa is alive…and he was just on a vacation…I talk to him about why he’s been in hiding and I’m really upset at him. It’s like he’s just been avoiding the family and he doesn’t ever answer my questions. I know why he doesn’t answer me, because I’m not the grand-daughter he once knew. He doesn’t recognize me.
I was pretty bad in my addiction earlier this year, I was down to 94lbs and every other weekend turned into every weekend and then turned into every day. I would quit and then start again…over and over. I was pretty bad off. Then I started dating a guy that didn’t mind that smoking was part of my life…but I knew that in order to have a good relationship with him, I would need to quit. So I did…for awhile. Then I started caving, doing it behind his back, lying to him and eventually got caught in a lie which unraveled other lies. We had a big fight in which he lost all trust for me and gaining his trust back was nearly impossible. So I broke it off and he was convinced I would go back to smoking. He bluntly thought I was choosing my old life over a life with him. Well I wasn’t ready to give up my freedom just yet. He had a 7 year old daughter and I was scared shitless to be a stepmom. Other problems such as his religious beliefs, socialism, and arrogance were problems brewing. He slowly stripped away everything I was. I loved to go out dancing…he didn’t understand that and thought it was a ploy to guy hunt, he didn’t understand my passion for modeling…I wanted to do photoshoots and he wanted me to do only department modeling. He didn’t understand my passion with beauty, feeling sexy, wanting to be shown off…like he wanted at the beginning. He was always wanting go stay in and not go out…for Halloween we were gonna go to our hometown bar and dress up, but didn’t because he didn’t feel like it. I made a lot of sacrifices and in the end got my identity stripped to pieces.
So now two months living back with my dad, single, and trying to get my old life back. Except I am moving forward, making the most of life, still dabbling in my worst habit but trying to make more memories. I’m not suicidal but still curious as to what my purpose on earth is. I’ve dodged driving drunk and almost hitting an embankment, blacked out and flipping my car…I’ve dodged death after taking 30 some pain pills to get rid of the pain…I’ve dodged many nights of over-doing it on cocaine…I’ve overdosed accidentally trying to cure my chronic hip pain…I’ve had many episodes that should’ve killed me but for some reason I’m still here and I’m baffled as to why.

Courage

This morning I made a decision for myself to get clean. My connections are all deleted, I don’t have the weapons, and most importantly I just don’t want to do it anymore. I am super eager to punch my addiction in the face and become a healthier me. Starting tomorrow on my day off I will start exercising and try and strengthen my muscles…I am pushing myself for the 6 pack I had in the summer or at least a 2 pack. I will start watching what I eat and just focus 100% on sobriety. I am doing this for me!

I had gotten a call this evening regarding a buddy of mine. We went to high school together, partied together and well his parents sent him off to rehab. And he actually had to be dragged out of the house by his own friend to go…that is sad BUT he needs it and I am rooting for him full on! He will one day be glad he went too. All I can do is just be his support system…as well as my own. But life is full of soo much excitement, happiness, thrills, lessons…this is just a stepping stone…one day at a time, believing I can. I have faith, hope, and the drive to become sober. 

I believe in myself…and for the first time in a long time, I honestly believe that.

I got it!

Well i’m pretty happy today! I start my new job Saturday morning at Public Storage, and it’s full time!! Finally, i’ll be able to buy new glasses and if I get sick I can go to the doctor without going broke! I was kind of worried that I didn’t get the job because the background test was taking forever to process but I got it and i’m so excited to start working! I’m very blessed! 

Also..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONLY MAN IN MY LIFE…MY DAD!!!

Lowest of the Low

Well I hit it and knew I would. I’m a fucking train wreck. I’m an emotional mess, which is a known effect after my weekly riot. But this time i’m done. I have nothing left to give, i’m stripped down to the bone. My latest break up crushed me bad…but it was a few weeks before the split that I started losing my feelings for him…maybe it was that I was finally recognizing that we didn’t have a lot in common or that our morals and values were complete opposites. But within those 7 months of dating, my ex was slowly stripping who I was away…I didn’t enjoy what I used to, I was becoming a recluse and that’s exactly what he wanted. I just couldn’t do it anymore and so we split. And now i’m at my lowest point…with my bad habits, depression creeping slowly up behind me…BUT I am determined to come out on top. I am going to throw away my bad habits, tell my depression to take a hike, and rediscover the real me.  I am doing this for nobody but me…and my cat…he deserves a friend who isn’t crazy.

Beginning post

As my first post to my first real blog, I hope to find myself throughout this adventure. Maybe i’ll write something profound that will help me find myself. Or maybe i’ll have a revelation that will guide the rest of my future. I don’t know, but hopefully I’ll find peace, inspiration, and learn something new through this blog that I may not have learned just through every day life. My life is rather boring but my brain creates a world of random imagination that makes me believe in some way I can live out my own real fairy tale. Even without love which is extremely hard to find. Everyday i’m faced with that evil witch, but I somehow come out with the support of my woodland friends and some will to not give up on life. My life has purpose, though I’m having a hard time with the signs along the way, I find inspiration through art, music, and nature. Some way or another those three things will help me find my purpose and in the meantime I’ll just take notes on the details. I love writing and maybe someone will get inspired to do the same. Trance is a natural drug that will save us all. Music is life.