So this guy that came back into my life after 7 years; he needs to man the fuck up. He lets me talk to him however I want (only b/c I’m seriously just so mad at him, I have all this ridiculous anger towards him for the last 7 years, I’m kinda mean to him), he will drop whatever he’s doing to please me, he will let me walk all over him. I’m not this kind of person whatsoever. He needs to man up. I honestly want to pay someone to punch him in the face, I might feel a little better about him hurting me 7 years ago. Maybe then he will be less of a little bitch. He might tell me no once in awhile, he might say “hey, you can’t talk to me that way.” There is no structure with him…and that is what’s making it easy for me to walk away. He had me, he ignored me, he lost me…too fucking bad. But I don’t want a relationship with someone like that. I am a woman…if I got married to him…life would be miserable. He asks me what to say, what to do, where to go, when to do it…dude…use your own brain…i’m not your babysitter, and i’m definitely not gonna make up your mind for you. Be your own person. JEEZ. He drives me nuts…and I certainly don’t need any of this in my life right now.
I had a talk with a different ex (whom I dated in 2012) about what’s going on in my life cuz he’s been worried about me. Anyways, he mentioned something about “that’s what it was like when I did heroin”. I was like “when did you do heroin?” He said “when we were dating…” I was blown out of my seat SHOCKED. I knew he was a pill popper to the extreme when we dated which was why I broke up with him…but had no clue he was doing heroin when we were together. I was like “So, you were doing heroin when you were with me?” I thought I couldn’t breathe. That just made my life even more hard to deal with. He’s sober now and trying to get me to be, but seriously, dealing with a bitch of an ex that buys me off and seriously is obsessed with me and then this crap. What the eff, then the other day I find out that my friend tried to overdose in treatment. I need a break. Maybe i’ll use my tax return and just move away…from everyone. My “best friend” is using me just to do drugs…using my friend Nick, using anyone and everyone and then lying about it. She was supposed to move to California this last weekend but she’s using someone to get money to go…good for him for not letting her get to his money… what is wrong with my life?
I don’t need a relationship with a little boy…maybe hit puberty, get a flipping clue on how to be a man, and then maybe…maybe i’ll be around. GUH. I give up.
Last night was all sorts of messed up. My fave Stace was supposed to leave yesterday for California but her “money” plans fell through. So me being the good friend that I am, am there like always to pick up the pieces…she was really stressed out and just needed somewhere to go and since I live 30 minutes away, I spent my money to get a cheap motel room. So her and I are there and my friend Nick comes by and we all are just enjoying each others company. Then there’s a knock on the door…it’s her friend Tony who comes in and seriously just chats with us for like 10 minutes and passes out on the bed. And like he was like dead passed out…nothing was waking up this guy. Then there was another knock on the door…I open it and Stace starts screaming…may I remind you that this is probably 3 o’clock in the morning…I am already irritated with her crap…her loud music and inviting her friends over to pass out on what I was planning on sleeping in. So after her screaming session, I come out from behind the door and holy crap it’s my friend Luke…he just got out of treatment…and I was frozen in my socks like they just instantly ice cubed to the carpet. I thought I was seeing a ghost. He looked much healthier…not all strung out on pills and drugs. I was in shocked for probably an hour after he got there. I was all sorts of emotions BECAUSE…Last Wednesday morning I had a dream that was just terrifying. I had a dream that seemed so real, Luke had killed himself. When I had instantly woken up from that dream, I dialed Stace and told her to pray for Luke b/c I had a dream he killed himself. PRESENT TIME, I told Luke that I had this dream and he just looked at me like I was shining a bright flashlight in his eyes. He told me that he had overdosed Wednesday from Methadone and was in the hospital for 2 days.
WHAT THE FUCK FRIENDS? QUIT TRYING TO KILL YOUR DAMN SELVES !!!!!!
That just messed me up a bit, for that one hour, I secluded myself on the other side of the room…trying to hold in the tears…I was devastated when Bri tried to kill herself…what the hell…am I the only sane person that doesn’t want to commit suicide? yes, i may be addicted to drugs…but i’m fucking sad…not suicidal…THERE. IS. A. DIFFERENCE.
So the rest of the night wasn’t anything too exciting, Luke was talking about treatment, Stace was talking about herself as always…I was just sitting there listening to everyone…high out of my mind…getting annoying with Nick and his twitching and mumbling. So when 5 or 6am rolls around, Luke, Stace, and Tony decide to bounce and head to the bar…really Stace…I paid for a room which you invited your friends to and then didn’t even thank me when you left…whatever. So about 30 minutes after they leave, Nick is making some weird noises and I can tell something is wrong. He was clutching his chest and having trouble talking…I asked him if he was okay and he says he can’t breathe…In a mad heap I jump off the bed and get him on his feet to the bathroom…maybe a hot shower will help and he then tells me his arm is numb along with his leg…and i’m like holy shit man you’re having a heart attack…at age 26..what the hell…so I am in a panic of worry for 2 hours…he’s in the shower, i’m worried he’s gonna pass out and konk his head in the bathtub and drown…I say do I need to call 911? He says no…and so I do whatever I can to help him…the pain eventually subsides..but holy cow, he scared me sober. What a crazy night. I’m glad Luke is out of treatment and looking like himself…it’s been a long long time since i’ve seen that happy healthy face. And Stace, well she left her car keys in my car and I have to go to work and so good luck with that…
Gah… I just want to hide in my closet for the rest of the day.
I feel his song, so hurt, so deeply distraught, no hope, done fighting, just done. I feel the hate, the anger, the emptiness. Drug addiction hurts, it’s a dark, cold, room…I could just get up and walk out the door…but i don’t want to go anywhere, i don’t want to see anyone, or talk to anyone…i don’t want to know that i’m still breathing. it’s easier to not feel. The past has come into my present to screw me up more and I don’t think he realizes how effing hard it is to see him, be around him, talk to him, know that he’s trying to be in my life…i am deeply hurt..i don’t know how to deal with this pain…so just let me be numb…let me not feel…he’s not the one that tried to kill himself b/c he was ignored…he doesn’t feel like i feel, he doesn’t know that moving forward with all that stuff is going to break me later in life…especially if i’m with him…i’ve never been this hurt in my life…the past was hard, this is a nightmare that i just want to end already.
I have a fucking problem & its finally showing on the surface.
I’m so done. I show it in the face, back, hips…even my hands hurt. I’m freezing cold all the time and maybe eat one meal a day. .half a meal. I do get sleep but then I’m right back to the pipe the next morning. I can’t do this anymore…I can’t lie to myself anymore or my family. If that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is…but I’m 27 years old and I’m tired of being addicted to meth. No more.
So last night I went & visited my best friend in the Psych Ward. She’s doing well, but then again she’s only been there for 2 days. I think about her everyday…my heart aches for her. I want her to get better fast so we can hang out and spend time together. I miss our friendship. But all I can do is be there for her. She needs a good friend and she needs prayers and hope. I would give her all my hope I have for myself just for her to get better. I miss you girly. Hang in there. (this pic is just a spinning image of her, and she’s Indian too)