Hard feelings.

Message from my ex whom broke up with me bc I’d rather do drugs

Drew: i want you to be great again not for me but for yourself..You don’t know what you mean to me..how tough it is to watch you destroy yourself..to watch you die..everything bad in your life is due to the drugs..

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Out in the open

Well I had to tell my dad the truth about my job, it was eating me up inside. I was a mess when I confronted him, but got some good advice from my cousin before I told him. I was super nervous & scared. But despite my fears, my dad still loves me.

I had been avoiding my mom for a few days since 2 weeks ago I had told her the truth about being on drugs. I knew if I told her I was fired, I would fall to pieces. If I hadn’t relasped when I was fired, I would have relapsed telling her about getting fired. Just to disappoint her more would crumble my heart. I want to fix myself but it is fucking hard. But I feel better telling everyone the truth…well almost everyone. My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m still using. But he knows it is hard for me too…but he’s willing to stick by my side until I’m clean & then every day after that. He’s a great man. But right now I’m just coasting.

Redial

Just a little poem I wrote this week…after getting fired from my job & relapsing.

 

How do you rise up, when all you do is fall?

How am i supposed to trust in you, when you never answer my calls?

Are you there?

Are you hearing my prayer?

I’m calling.

I’m calling.

All I get is a busy signal.

Where do I go now? Which road do I choose?

A new or old known, either way I lose.

Without any hope…

I should just cut the rope…

I need you.

I need you.

I’m crying out, dear LORD.

Calling..

I need God. I need to believe in him again. I need him in my life. I need to love myself again. Life keeps pushing me down & I need help getting back up. I’m not sure what to do, I know I can start by praying but I feel I’ve missed so many chances with him that it doesn’t matter anymore.

Day 7

One week  clean…I want to break out in song, “it’s Been one week…” Lol I’m feeling good, I can think clearly, I’m not paranoid, my colon is pissed at me, but I feel awesome. Being sober is not as terrifying as I thought.

LIFE IS GOOD.

To Nick.

just because you think i should quit and deal with these issues like an adult, doesn’t mean that i’m going to. yeah so what if i deal with my problems an unhealthy way?? Everybody does. Maybe i’m not fucking up my liver by drinking away my problems with Jack Daniels or  breaking my hand by smashing a mirror, but honestly i’m not a violent person & i don’t like drinking that much either. i think i’m allowed to deal with shit my own way and i know the problems it causes…i’m dealing with those everyday…my muscles shrinking, my joints are achy, i get headaches, i don’t eat much or drink much…i know all of this. but i’d rather be high than sober and be an emotional basket case. over the years I’ve had to be a tough bitch and not let shit bother me…so my heart and tongue are bitter and hard as a rock. my words are sharp b/c i’ve had to toughen up. i’ve never had a good, successful relationship…partially b/c i don’t know what one looks like. my parents divorced when i was 12 and honestly i’ve never stuck with one guy long enough to know if what we had was real. 

i’m a mess. i am a basketcase. my feelings are messed up. i get conflicted easily between wanting a relationship and wanting to be single.  i like romance, intimacy, having a companion who i can talk to and have conversations with. but then again, i love my freedom; do what i want, when i want, and not having to explain my motives to some guy. i want my cake & i want to eat it too.  but you, i don’t want you. Drew is more of a man than you, and he lied to me the whole time we were together about doing drugs. He popped pills, i knew he had a problem with pills…but i didn’t know that he was using pills to cover up his heroin addiction. that blew my mind when he told me that. He was crushed when i broke his heart, but he tried staying in my life…he didn’t ignore me and then look me up after 7 fucking years b/c his life went to shit and wanted the only thing that made him feel alive back in his life. he’s been sober for a year and a half and I am damn proud of him. he got his shit together. he is a fucking man. he chose life. he chose happiness over one more fix. Drew is not the type to just settle for something b/c it’s right in front of him. but you, you did that. you married a girl b/c you liked taking care of her kids…you didn’t love her, you never went home to be with her, you hated going home. that would be like me marrying you b/c of your car subs…fuuuuuucked up. the way you settled that way makes it impossible for me to trust you with my heart…heaven forbit you settle with me b/c you think you don’t deserve better…or wait you did that with your ex-wife. 

OUR pasts are not OUR future. my past is not my future…your past is not your future…YOU decide what YOU need…YOU are the only one who can decide YOUR future. not someone else. except you let it happen with your ex…you let her rope you into a marriage because you just gave up. yet during the entire marriage, you tried to contact me…you had a fucking shrine of me in your house with your wife…obsess much? now on facebook, we’re not even dating and you have tons of pictures of me on your profile…you even took pictures of my fucking room and put them on facebook. stalk much? 

i’m ridding you of my life. if i ever want to get clean or have a normal functioning relationship, i can’t have you in my life. i told you what i had been holding in for 7 years…i said my piece…i made you cry…i can’t give you my heart…not again…and you’re upset b/c i won’t go on a date with you. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU DESERVE ONE? no. you don’t. not even close. you are the problem, goodbye!