alive & breathing

a letter to my ex DREW…

Drew,

        I’m getting closer to my breaking point. To the point of just holding my pipe…looking at the crystals…and then looking back at myself in the mirror. I am not me. This distorted image staring back at me has been burnt into my brain, it’s been telling me for so long,

“This…is you Tina. You know who you are. You don’t need to change, this is who you are meant to be. You were meant to have this frail staircase of a body, tired eyes that are cold and empty. This heart of yours is supposed to be dead…you’ve been dead for so long…it’s what you’re used to…it’s all you know. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s just something wrong with everyone else. They smother you because they are needy. They get in your business because they are bored with their own lives…they don’t love you, they want to be you. You’re not sad…you’re just bored. You’re not hungry…you’re just bored…you’re not tired…you just need to smoke more. Who says this feeling is bad? Who cares if it is killing you? Everyone dies anyway. Love isn’t real…it’s fake…a fake feeling. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.  YOU ARE NOT WORTH LOVING. YOU ARE JUST A PIECE OF SHIT. NOBODY CAN LOVE A METH HEAD LIKE YOU. YOU ARE A LOSER. PATHETIC. YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF ALREADY…THE DRUGS APPARENTLY AREN’T DOING IT FAST ENOUGH. YOU’VE FAILED YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY. YOU’VE HURT YOUR FRIENDS, PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU-THE REAL YOU, EVERYONE WHO SEES YOU FADING MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. NO WONDER YOU FEEL EMPTY. YOU. ARE. NOTHING. NOTHING.”

                                                                               FUCKING LIES!!

I am fucking worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am better than this empty fake feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can beat this addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am breaking my chains – I’m going to fucking free myself of this war!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I FUCKING DESERVE THIS CHANCE…TO BE FUCKING ALIVE, BEATS ANY FALSE FEELING OF ANY DRUG…TO BE BREATHING…I AM DONE WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT ADDICTION…

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Note to myself

Dear TM,

What the fuck are you doing with your life?
Knock it the fuck off…
You are so much better than this…
You are a great friend & have a warm heart…
You have the potential to be amazing…
You are beautiful…
You have the strength to walk away…
You can do it…I believe in you!

Love,
Yourself

P.S. you know who you are deep down…your that little girl who loves to play, loves to laugh, loves to smile, bright, happy, had life to look forward to…you still do…just not an addicted life.
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Something

I know it was messed up to tell my dad that you were the one giving me drugs….I do feel bad for that. I do love you Nick, always will. I hope things work out for you & you find true happiness. I hope one day I can be happy too. I need to disappear. I cannot deal with my addiction here…I need to get away from my family, I need to clear my head…I need to be among nature & get my sense of beauty & wonder back. My family is a big problem, my brother is always gonna be in my face, my relationships with my family are pretty much fucked. If I don’t make changes soon, my brother will convince my dad to put me under house arrest which will create more problems & I probably will commit suicide. My family does not understand me, they never will…and I take that as my cue to get the fuck out of dodge for a bit. I don’t even know how long or where or when or how much it will cost….but I know once I can reconnect with my soul, pieces of my heart will fall back  together…like sunsets…if I could get out and watch the sunset across the water at the damn…watch as the colors melt into one another, see the sparkles on the water, and just feel something…my heart will beat again. Going to the concert last night, relaxed me, made me feel human, reconnected me with life & society…and being one with the music…I’ve been stuck in my room for weeks & weeks with an empty cold bitter heart…I’m starting to feel again…I may not be completely sober but not being so wrapped up by pain makes it easier for myself to show the real me…maybe I just need self-rehab…just to fall in love with myself again and life…everything else will fall into place…and my habit, doesn’t mean so much anymore bc I’m starting to feel again…day after day I feel more alive than the day before…and that’s all my doing…my decision to work thru this…I am sorry for how I’ve treated you, for being a heartless bitch…I’m trying to put my heart back together…and I’m sorry for blaming you for my addiction…I put the pipe to my lips, I lit the flame…I love you & miss you every breath I take, I loved you more than anyone in the world…I hope you find your happiness.

letting go

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I started noticing a change in myself yesterday. I’m not thinking about all the negativity in my life. I’ve been able to escape my depression stooper. I’ve been trying to keep busy and listen to happy music, laugh a lot and talk to my best friend everyday. I’m letting things go…i’m slowly finding myself and being able to move forward without drug rehab, treatment, a counselor…it feels awesome.

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I just needed to relax and distant myself from all the stress in my face. I got some really good sleep, ate some good food, got out amongst the living with my dad and bestie and went to see The Pink Floyd Experience and listened to some awesome music last night. I miss Life…I miss living…I miss the moments that take my breath away…I’m ready to live, i’m ready to be myself again…and then everything will fall into place. I’m ready to let go and free myself. 

 

to be free (a poem)

if i just put down the glass

i can deal with this pain

i’ll just let it all go

instead of lighting a flame

easier to say and never do

especially if there’s sources near by

you could be sober for a bit

but staying away is always a lie

to rid myself completely

i must move out of state

a place far away from here

with new strangers to hate

away from dealers, exes & history

everything that surrounds me here

expectations, disappointments & failures

start a new chapter with my head clear

i could drop my bad habit

faster in a place i feel free

with no trails of hurt or sadness

freeing myself, just Timmy and me

no lingering heartaches

or unwanted bullying brother

no peer pressuring friends

or ambushing fathers or mother

i need to reconnect my soul and life

make peace with my empty heart

addiction doesn’t stand a chance

if i break free with a new start

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Unfixable…

So i set up an appointment last week to get into treatment for myself. I did it without anyone forcing me or dragging me out of the house. So i arrive at this dinky little business, I go inside and a man is just chilling on the sofa talking on his cell phone. I look around for the front desk but seem to just look lost, the man asked me “can i help you?” I told him i had an appointment at 2:30pm, he asked me what doctor and i said “dr. holloway…”. he then led to a back office that was covered in clutter. i took a seat and the man started asking me  questions. the man didn’t introduce himself to me…after about 5 minutes I was like “are you doctor Holloway?” He said “yes but i’m not a doctor…i have my masters but not my doctorite.  He then got up and left the office, I continued to sit there in discomfort…he comes back with a packet of like 40 papers…handed it to me and said sign these. He didn’t mention what they were…I don’t even think he knew…and then he got on the phone with a detox clinic cuz he wanted me to go to detoxing…i talked to the lady on the phone who was rude and didn’t care to explain to me the process…I just wanted to know the details and think it over…but she apparently didn’t know what she was talking about and continued with her questions in her mean tone. She then told me that I am not qualified for detox treatment…because I am not physically harming myself or other people. Basically because i’m not a big enough addict. Well i do use everyday, all day, am employed, have a vehicle, and a home to live in. I don’t shoot up, I don’t steal to get my fix, I have all my teeth, I don’t live in a box on the street, and I came here voluntarily, I wasn’t in trouble with the law…Grr…way to shoot someone down for trying to fix themselves. He did mention that I should try in-patient treatment and I might be free of charge but he wasn’t sure…he didn’t care to find out either. He seemed like he was stoned. He did applaud me for coming in on my own because I wanted to fix my life. Thanks…my spirits were shot down so fast…

Please Comment!!!

break me down

Today is the day. I’m checking myself into treatment for my meth addiction. my family knows. my close friends know. i’m going alone. i’m scared. i’m nervous. i’m sad. i’m a mess. i want to quit. but i’m scared to be sober. sure i’ve done for most of my life…but now i’ll have to deal with problems, the root of the root. but at a mere 95 lbs and dropping, i have to get help. my body feels like an old wooden staircase. and i shouldn’t feel this way at 28. i don’t recognize myself anymore. i hate sleeping, cuz i can’t get comfortable with my hip bones digging into the mattress. my fingers are twitchy and achey…like they are broken. i keep losing weight and have to buy more clothes that fit my skeleton and honestly i just don’t have any room left in my closet. my poor heartbeat pumps out of my chest as if i’m being revived. i’m constantly cold and wearing sweatshirts. i’m ready for this. fuck you depression. fuck you addiction. it’s time for me to let go and move forward and NEVER look back. 

is it bad that i’m getting high before treatment though?