i hate this drug.
i love this feeling.
i hate that you don’t want to be around me.
i love that i can rely on this false feeling, when you deny me of a real feeling.
i hate that i’d rather hide alone in my room, than be out among the living.
i love that i can take a hit instead of drinking nasty coffee or energy drinks to wake up in the morning.
i hate that i’ve lied to my mom over and over…
i love realizing the truth inside me with the different levels of this drug.
i hate that can’t just quit….i hate that (N) is too blind to see that he’s enabling me to keep fading out…i hate that i chose drugs over (D)…I hate that (B) and i just waste our happiness and time away by drawing and doing nothing every night. i hate that i can’t talk to my mom on a daily basis…i hate thinking that she hates me…i hate thinking that she’s never been proud of me ever in my life…i hate that my older brother and I have no relationship whatsoever…we’re not even friends. I hate feeling dead inside…just waiting for something to save me…i hate being alone at night, i start emotionally thinking of (D) and will text him telling him i’m sorry over and over and that i miss him and love him and need him…and he responds with “i love you and miss you too, but i can’t be with you until you quit for good.” i hate that my ex from 8 years ago, interrupted my life because he was unhappy and wanted me back. i was fine without him…now everything is fucked up. i hate that he married someone he didn’t even love…i hate that he wants to be with me and talks about it but won’t prove it to me. i hate that he keeps doing stupid shit and won’t grow the fuck up. i hate that i have to tell him what he’s doing is stupid, like he has no common sense. i’m not a babysitter…just grow the fuck up. i hate this spot. i hate this drug. i hate myself…
i wish i could just disappear…to a warm place…and just spend my days with my toes in the sand, talking to birds in the sky…and watching Timmy chase butterflies in the sunflower field…why can’t everything be wonderful again?