One week

One week sober! Shooting for 2 weeks now, but I will be more proud if I make it to Day 10, which will be one day longer than I was sober the last  time before I relapsed!

Everyday is better than yesterday and I have the best support system…my parents, my best friends, my love, and especially those rooting for me here on WordPress!!

Can’t fix the past or predict the future but I can only do my best right now…and keep moving forward & hold my head up high.

I am proud of myself for quitting on my own, without going to treatment…it was a tough first week & it will remain tough but there is only room for positivity in this girl’s life…!

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boring drug

So yesterday I decided that once i’m done with this sack, i’m done period and will work on being sober. So I wrote up a vow for myself that after this bowl is done, i’m working on sobriety…and signed it and dated it. So I took whatever I had left in my sack, melted it down in my piece…and pretty much just got high all day. I wanted to be able to finish it before I went to bed but I was already flying and knew that it wouldn’t happen. So around 2:30 am, I finally went to bed. I had the worst nightmare ever and woke up around 7:30 am…so I went and got some water and something to eat, went back to bed and just sat there trying to forget about my dream so I could go back to sleep. I remember when I was sober for 9 days, I had horrible meth dreams the first few days and then around day 5, I was feeling pretty good and was sleeping and eating normally. But this last batch I got, it tastes weird and has given me the worst nightmares of my life, but i’d still get high…very high actually. But the drug is supposed to make you feel better, not do the opposite and make you terrified to ever sleep again. I noticed that I have no motivation, no ambition, no drive…I procrastinate a lot…before, I would get stuff done, have energy to do tons of stuff…now i’m tired, bored, and don’t get anything done. and the dreams are the worst part. so if i’m having effed up dreams when i’m high, what’s the point of getting high anymore? So now with my piece empty at 2:40 pm, which was the dumbest plan ever…now I get to come-down during the rest of the day…instead of just starting fresh in the morning, like i had planned yesterday…so I should have smoked all of it before i went to sleep…then i wouldn’t be in this piss poor mood.

 

“Drugs worked for me for years,” Staley told Rolling Stone in 1996, “and now they’re turning against me, now I’m walking through hell.”[32]                 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Layne_Staley

5 minutes in hell

Went up to the China Bar tonight for the Red Dress event. So I wore my sexy red dress and heels I should of practiced walking in first. I pulled into a parking spot, shut off my car, put on my heels, got out, fixed my dress, shut my door and started walking to the door…and I see my ex boyfriend and his best friend smoking outside. I knew eventually we would run into each other, we are from the same town, went to the same school and have lived here most of our lives. So it was bound to happen. My ex & I split in November 2013 over a few things…I had lied to him a few times about my drug use and we just started fading from each other fast, so I left him. It was the worst break up i’ve ever had…there was no talking, tons of tension, and tears. So anyways, I went inside and saw my bestie behind the bar hard at work, it was busy so she didn’t have a chance to talk to me…and while I was trying to get her attention, my ex came back inside and sat down at a table in the corner. I turned to talk to my bestie’s boyfriend and I was just uneasy. I didn’t want to ruin my ex’s night, and my night was already ruined from seeing him not even acknowledge me. I was invisible to him…and even though I was the one who left him, I felt like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. My ex and his friend leave and i’m still standing at the bar trying to talk to my bestie. I wasn’t there more than five minutes…and I just left. I couldn’t do it. I only live maybe 3 minutes away from the bar and so when i pulled into the driveway, I broke down. Just silent streams down my cheeks, i felt like nothing. i just want to hide away for awhile in the dark. I know break-ups are hard but running into an ex merely 6 months after a split is hella hard. We were best friends, lovers, and now we’re fucking strangers. I don’t love him anymore, that stopped a couple weeks before we actually split but he was a happy part of my life for 7 months and then things just became really hard…I had quit using meth for him a month after we started dating….moved in with him after 4 months…cut my hours back to babysit his daughter while he was at work…stopped taking my anti-depressants because he wanted me to…and yet he couldn’t stop smoking weed for me…i put so much effort into our relationship by taking a pay-cut to help him with his daughter, screwing up my chemicals in my body b/c he feels i shouldn’t be taking pills anyways, paying for meals, groceries, gas…letting him use my car to and from work (30 min drive everyday to and from work) when his was totaled in an accident, compromising my wants of going out and being social to staying home and being a hermit b/c he doesn’t want to deal with people; because he thought everyone was stupid, going against my families beliefs in moving in with a guy before marriage, having to downplay my beliefs b/c his beliefs were right, giving up my friends, and stripping who I was bit by bit every fucking day. 

No wonder I went back to drugs after our split…you completely ruined who i was…and it’s driven me through the worst addiction of my life…

i need to move…off the face of the earth.

So pissed.

I had a notification on Facebook, on my status:

My status:
“I do not want to be in this spot again, so I am eliminating all the negative things in my life.”

My so-called “boyfriend” wrote this comment:
“I been here supporting your choices regardless wanting to help you off and try and try you got distant here if you open you eyes stop over thinking causing issues were not there is my fault for failing you wanted more than anything spend time with you sober and take you on a date that would let me show you the real me”

Thank you for outing me on my own fucking status on the internet. My whole fucking family and everyone I know reads my facebook…not everyone knows I have a drug problem…except now.

You say you love me and care about me, but how fucking dare you…