B texted me this morning saying she flushed her stash last night and made a vow this morning to stop smoking. Kudos for her…but then went on texting me that I should want to quit too to free myself. Well, if there is one thing I hate…it’s when my closest friends try to tell me to stop doing something that they are guilty of as well. You can’t tell me to get sober when you aren’t sober yourself…you don’t smoke like I do…I don’t do it to get away from my feelings, or b/c I’m depressed or mad at my ex…I do it, b/c I’m an addict…it’s part of my fucking life. Wake up. Smoke. Eat breakfast. Smoke. Take a shower. Smoke. Eat lunch. Smoke. Take a nap. Smoke. Go to work. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Eat. Snack. Drink. Work. Pay bills. Smoke. Go to church. Smoke. It’s like chewing gum…or smoking a cigarette. Yeah maybe I’m a little lost in this world but that’s because reality is passing me by like a jet. My dad is engaged…Gina practically lives here…Scotty & Audrey live in Germany…I’m 28, still single, no kids, live with my dad and work part time at the golf course. I just had my 10 year reunion that stressed the living life out of me…I did not want to go and even though I was guilted into it, yes I smoked to chill my nerves like someone would do with a cigarette…life is flying by…and I’m still stuck on Drew, lying to everyone, getting lost in my own mind…but I’m getting there…it’s not going to happen over night for sure…and definitely when I’m not ready…1 month down the tubes b/c my heart was ripped in two b/c I couldn’t let this shit go…I fucked drew over badly b/c of Nick…who doesn’t deserve a single chance with me ever…that’s not easy to get over…Drew tried saving me, I was just buried in a fairytale…nick came back for me after 7 years, but fucked me up way worse than expected. It’s fucking hard to forget that shit, especially since I still love drew with every inch of my heart and soul and ever breath I take and every good feeling in my being. And if he doesn’t want to be with me ever again…I’ll probably never move on from that…or this drug.
i’ve been searching for something inside me that’s not even there.
i’ve tried staring at myself while looking in a mirror.
i’ve tried getting so high to feel something real.
i’ve tried loving another to make my heart feel.
i’ve tried letting go of all the pain i’ve been through.
i thought freeing myself was what i needed to do.
after all of that, i felt very alone.
and that type of feeling isn’t something i’ve known.
trying to love myself without help of another.
i was like a baby lost with his mother.
i need love from someone to help push me through.
to know that what i feel within myself is true.
i’m so lost with an empty heart.
don’t know how to stop or where to start
i’m searching for an answer or a reason to live.
i am running low on energy and have nothing to give.
i am dead inside with a saddened soul.
searching for a feeling or something to make me whole.
i don’t pray or think it’s worth it.
haven’t had a reason to believe one bit.
i think i’ll go to bed and hope to never wake.
i don’t think this life is worth searching just to ache.
i hate this hole. i hate the darkness in my soul.
i hate locking myself away. i hate that i do it every day.
i hate that i don’t want to be seen. i hate thinking this is all just a dream.
i hate holding everything inside. i hate that i can’t stop, no matter how hard i try.
i hate these sad poems i write. i hate staying up late at night.
i hate running back to light the flame. i hate that meth plays this game.
i hate myself for needing this feeling. i hate that with it i think i’m more appealing.
i hate my sunken cheeks & tired eyes. i hate that every day a part of me dies.
i hate that i’m lying to cover up my fear. i hate this addiction and that i’m still here.
i hate that i’m lifeless with nothing to believe. i hate that i have no desires or goals to achieve.
i hate that i am fighting myself every day. i hate that i cling on instead of breaking away.
i hate to think i’ll be an addict til i die. i hate myself for living this never ending lie.