Beating me, beating me down

So I finally was able to go see my psychiatrist because my health insurance kicked in…and I’m going back on my anti-depressants Zoloft & Trazadone, which I think will help me beat my addiction once and for all.

So I was gonna start taking them today but once again Satan tempted me with dabbling before work. Now it being an hour later, I’m sitting in my car in the parking lot of Wal-Mart bc I called into work on the way to work but it was snowing pretty hard & I could not see. So I stopped, yes I know I’m a horrible person…but I’m feeling bullied. The sun is out and I can see down the road but yet I’m contemplating not going to work. Even though I already called in, my boss asked me if it clears up to try to make it in. But honestly I don’t think ill survive this work day…I’ve already got a pounding headache, I’m coming down, and I’m not ready to be around my clients when my own brain feels like its being squeezed by a stress ball.

I work with an organization that helps people with disabilities. My program consists of six 30 year old men who have Mental Retardation, Bi-polar disorder, Schizophrenia, ADD, ADHD, and Autism. My job is to monitor their behavior, make sure they are doing what they are supposed to…basically what I do everyday is sit with them and Watch tv or color. I tell them what is inappropriate or not, I control safety measures against each client, I set boundaries and decide whether they had behavior problems that day and document every accident, incident, of physical or verbal abuse.

This job is mentally overwelming & every day I come home over-stimulated. I hear the same sob story from one client everyday about 4-8 times within a one hour span in the morning. I hear phrases repeated for 10 min bc of irritability or nervousness…I hear one client talk to himself and respond in different voices, very low men’s voices & very high female voices. I hear fast mumbling as if the client were on crack…my bubble is invaded every second I’m there, I constantly have to tell one client to leave another client alone & mind his own business. I hear groaning & moaning sounds from a client who has speech difficulties, he plays B5, Backstreet Boys. Five, and B2K nonstop. He never stops talking/signing about his Ninja Turtle obsession…he writes letters to his imaginary girlfriends which talk about kissing and shows them to us…he plays with himself and is very defiant.

This job is hard, mentally hard on my brain, my nerves, and my overall capacity to be patient with their annoying phrases repeated until my ears fall off.

Today would not be the day to sit thru all that hell while I’m already feeling like my brain is going to explode.

I need advice, on starting my anti-depressants again to void off my addiction & advice on my job and working with clients with disabilities and how to manage without my brain turning into jello…

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So far away

So I got an appointment set up to see my psychiatrist to get back on my anti-depressants but its at the end of this month. I’m worried I won’t be able to stay sober until then, but I’m also worried that the drugs are really making me sick. So I’m probably going to have to force myself to quit before I’m even empty. My body just can’t take it anymore and i’m tired of telling this sad story…

I want to be healthy, sober, and tell happy stories.

I’m really at war with myself.