Well, for a few months my boyfriend and I haven’t been intimate and pretty much for the fact that i’ve lost that loving feeling for him and also my faith has grown so much that I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable about sex.
Growing up, I knew that sex before marriage was wrong and that you should save yourself for your husband. Well, i was dumb and wanted to fit in and look cool in front of my friends, so I ignored that. But over the years of any intimacy i’ve been in, i always felt this uncomfortable feeling afterwards. Like i was hungry, maybe deydrated, or maybe it was that I just did something I knew was unsettling with my faith.
Well, my boyfriend has been making remarks like “why don’t you touch me?” lately. and well I felt it was time to tell him how i’ve been feeling. I calmly told him that “i’m just in a different spot right now, it’s not you, it’s my faith. It’s changing many things and it’s hard to go against it. and it’s not a cop out. but i’m sorry you don’t feel loved by me, i know that’s not a good feeling.”
I feel bad of course, but for the first time in my life, i feel like i’m doing what i need to do for me. So in a few days, i’m sure i’ll be ready to move out and on with my life, in the direction that God wants me to go. Yes, it’s scary and challenging, but i’ve done it all wrong for so long, i’m ready to do things right.
Along with my new challenges, I’m proud to say that I am almost 3 months sober. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world, to know that i’ve lasted longer than the time before. I know that God is really rooting for me.
We were made to THRIVE!!!
Big ass update….
So I quit the golf course I was at in ole Cheney for 4 years and got this new gig in Wichita at a private club. (oooh ahhh) I was working at the Holidaeeeey Innnn for like 4 days and then quit when I got offered this job. Full time at 10.00 an hour not bad but with benefits which is bomb! This place is real nice and the members here are real nice too and have gadzooks of money in their pockets. But despite that, this club has members that my parents knew back in the day…people that knew my grandparents in Hillsboro. Cool stuff. So that makes it more special. But the biggest most awesomest thing about this place is… it has helped me stay sober. 2 months going strong…i know i know, 2 months is not a lot of time but my faith has helped me thru some rough issues these past 2 months. My grama Ferne passed, I watched her take her last breath, I had to be there to support my dad. and since getting this job only good things have come my way, Thank You Lord!!
My relationshit…well that’s what it is. Shit. It’s going nowhere, and i think we both know that. He can’t trust me not to do drugs again and hurt him and I can’t trust that he won’t physically hurt me again. In the heat of a huge arguement one night, I said something about giving me the keys to MY truck (i co-signed for him) and that set him off in a rage of drunken evil in which he flew off the bed, charged at me, grabbed my throat and pushed me against the wall and almost knocked my lights out. I told myself if i were eve in a relationship like that, i would leave. but we all know, how hard it is for ourselves to find the door. i love him but i’m not going to live my life in fear everyday, and we both have demons that we as a couple are not going to be able to deal with right now. so as soon as i have the funds, i’m going to move out. he knows how to control my every move which is bullshit b/c i’m not going to stand for it anymore. this job is great for me, i have any connection i need…but the lifestyle he leads is not going to help me. he drinks more and more every day. and that’s not the direction i need, especially for my new found sobriety.
that’s all i can sum up at this moment. basically because my fingers are tired of typing on this shitty keyboard.