blues

I don’t think i’m depressed…however my husband has asked me that question the last few days. I don’t go to sleep when he does, I stay up late. I don’t have much of an appetite, only because my stomach gets upset, but I still eat anyways. I know when I start to feel down, i’ll turn on my christian music. However, today i’ve been reminiscing songs from my childhood, then from high school, and college, which college had some really sad songs. My husband and I work at the same place, however i’m inside in the clubhouse and he’s always outside working with maintenance. So he’s in the hot humid air, and i’m usually wearing a sweater in the pro shop. So when I get home, I just want to be outside and he’d rather be inside. But that’s okay, we still spend time together.

i know i’m not alone on this, but i don’t like my job. I don’t like that i can’t spend time with my husband on the weekends, job free. I don’t like how i have different schedules every week and not a steady hourly schedule. I don’t like how i am not appreciated and taken for granted a lot there. I don’t like the the customers; spoiled, snoody, drunk, and rude members. I don’t like their spoiled kids. I don’t like how since it’s a private club that the members think they have seniority over employees. I don’t like answering the phone. I don’t like opening, i don’t like closing. i don’t like small talk in the morning with the coffee drinkers. i don’t like people saying to me “coming in for your shift eh? ready to work?” i don’t like members complaining about the pace of play. i don’t like the members asking me why the range is closed or why it’s carts on path…sorry i don’t make the rules, don’t ask me. i don’t like when members ask me if they can go play before we are even open. I don’t like when the members think that they can just go play whenever they want without a tee time. I don’t like  the members who like to get free stuff and take advantage of the club by staying out past dark. I don’t like my job. It’s really hard for me to drive to work and not even think about just driving past it and going as far away from it as possible. I am grateful for my boss giving me the opportunity to work there. That job has allowed me to move out on my own, out of a bad relationship, helped me quit my bad habit, I even met my husband there. I’m grateful for all those opportunities that have changed my life. however, the environment has killed me inside. I don’t have patience for high rollers flashing their 100s and 50s in their money clips. I am so over the snoody snobby people that judge me for what i wear or questions i can’t answer. i am tired of feeling like the 3rd wheel there. i am tired of wasting all the potential i have for a very purposeless job that won’t let me move up. I am tired of not feeling appreciated.

so maybe i am depressed. i’ve applied many place that peak my interest. i’ve tried applying with schools for para positions, although i know my rocky past has hindered my on those potential jobs. I can’t change my past, i am a different person, and if they gave me a chance, i would work my butt off to be the greatest para i know i can be.  i just don’t have the confidence that i’ll get that chance. which is why i’m kinda down, because i’m miserable at my current job and want to have a purposeful job. I don’t know what my purpose is, Lord, please guide me to it. Restore some hope in me, help me be confident and help me to be patient.

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Transformation 

So I just wanted to show anyone who reads my blog how wonderful the Lord is. 

I had been addicted to drugs for almost 5 years…started with cocaine and then I moved onto meth. Meth was my hardest battle. Meth stole everything from me. I got down to 92lbs at 5’7. I lost relationships with friends and even lost a relationship with my brother than has been very hard. I got fired from a few jobs for attendance because I didn’t care about making money, just cared about getting my fix. I messed up a very good job that I still regret to this day. But I through my addiction I never stopped searching for God. In the wee hours of the morning, I would search for any signs that jumped out at me while skimming through the Bible or in lyrics. My aunt reached out to me and invited me to a women’s encounter and I found my God I’ve been looking for. I recommitted my life to Christ and even though I’ve hit some snags along the way after that I still kept my eye on the Lord. He gave my a chance to start over. He gave me my life back and I’ve managed to stay sober for over a year now. I was able to walk down the aisle with my dad on my wedding day a sober woman. I owe everything to Christ. Without him, I don’t exist. 

Self-doubt

So I’ve been at this private golf course for a year and 4 months. This job has given me so much that my last job couldn’t. It gave me the chance to get out of my bad relationship and move into my own apartment. It gave me the chance to work hard to stop my bad habits that my last job only enabled. It gave me my wonderful husband, who I met working here. However, I’m very happy with the blessings I’ve received from this job. But the downside to working here is that there is no room for me to move up in this company. everyone that works here has a very permanent residence with this company. My boss’s wife is the business manager, the general manager’s daughter is the membership manager. And unless i want to become a golf professional, which i don’t, i won’t be able to move up. I got into this industry by coincidence, my dad was working the public course just during the summer (he’s a teacher so it’s not like he really needs to work, but he likes the free golf) and i needed another job so he brought me in and the manager just gave me the job. so I worked at Cherry Oaks for 4 years before I came here. But I had different jobs in the meantime; I was a para for a month, I worked with adults with disabilities for 6 months until I got hurt on the job, and I worked odd jobs along with those. But I know what i’m doing, this job isn’t hard. It’s just not taking me anywhere, and at the end of the day I don’t feel like I’ve changed anybody’s life.

I want to feel useful at my job. I want to feel like i’m making a difference.

I applied for an Elementary Reading Para in my hometown and haven’t heard from the school since I applied. ¬†My confidence is rather thin and my self-doubt is sky high. Satan knows how to get in my head and tell me i’m not worth a better job. He knows how to break me down and make me fall apart. I try to give my worries to God. I pray and hope for a new start everyday. I don’t like praying for myself because i don’t like to be selfish. i always pray for other people to gain happiness. i’m pretty happy with my life right now. i’m married to a wonderful christian man, i am employed (even if i don’t like my job), i have a vehicle, my health is good, i’m sober and i have a great family. i have a pretty good life.

I just hope something better comes along soon. I would like to be able to have a good job that makes me feel good after a long day. Like I helped a student learn and feel good about themselves. I would be a great para. I wasn’t when before, because I wasn’t sober. But i know what i did wrong. Everything. and i think, given a second chance, i could really prove to myself and my family that I was meant to help kids learn and succeed. When i was in elementary school, I was part of the Kool Kats, kids who needed help in certain areas of learning. I needed help with math and reading. I made wonderful connections with the high school students that helped me and the teachers of the class. I feel like I can give back what those people gave to me.

i’ll keep praying until something comes my way. If i don’t get that job, God isn’t saying “No”, he’s just saying “not yet”.