Self-doubt

So I’ve been at this private golf course for a year and 4 months. This job has given me so much that my last job couldn’t. It gave me the chance to get out of my bad relationship and move into my own apartment. It gave me the chance to work hard to stop my bad habits that my last job only enabled. It gave me my wonderful husband, who I met working here. However, I’m very happy with the blessings I’ve received from this job. But the downside to working here is that there is no room for me to move up in this company. everyone that works here has a very permanent residence with this company. My boss’s wife is the business manager, the general manager’s daughter is the membership manager. And unless i want to become a golf professional, which i don’t, i won’t be able to move up. I got into this industry by coincidence, my dad was working the public course just during the summer (he’s a teacher so it’s not like he really needs to work, but he likes the free golf) and i needed another job so he brought me in and the manager just gave me the job. so I worked at Cherry Oaks for 4 years before I came here. But I had different jobs in the meantime; I was a para for a month, I worked with adults with disabilities for 6 months until I got hurt on the job, and I worked odd jobs along with those. But I know what i’m doing, this job isn’t hard. It’s just not taking me anywhere, and at the end of the day I don’t feel like I’ve changed anybody’s life.

I want to feel useful at my job. I want to feel like i’m making a difference.

I applied for an Elementary Reading Para in my hometown and haven’t heard from the school since I applied.  My confidence is rather thin and my self-doubt is sky high. Satan knows how to get in my head and tell me i’m not worth a better job. He knows how to break me down and make me fall apart. I try to give my worries to God. I pray and hope for a new start everyday. I don’t like praying for myself because i don’t like to be selfish. i always pray for other people to gain happiness. i’m pretty happy with my life right now. i’m married to a wonderful christian man, i am employed (even if i don’t like my job), i have a vehicle, my health is good, i’m sober and i have a great family. i have a pretty good life.

I just hope something better comes along soon. I would like to be able to have a good job that makes me feel good after a long day. Like I helped a student learn and feel good about themselves. I would be a great para. I wasn’t when before, because I wasn’t sober. But i know what i did wrong. Everything. and i think, given a second chance, i could really prove to myself and my family that I was meant to help kids learn and succeed. When i was in elementary school, I was part of the Kool Kats, kids who needed help in certain areas of learning. I needed help with math and reading. I made wonderful connections with the high school students that helped me and the teachers of the class. I feel like I can give back what those people gave to me.

i’ll keep praying until something comes my way. If i don’t get that job, God isn’t saying “No”, he’s just saying “not yet”.

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4!

So it’s been about 4 weeks since i moved out on my own. My ex and I went our separate ways in a mutual manner which was so easy. He wasn’t bitter about the last few days, but it was still sad to part ways.

But being out on my own is great. I don’t have to worry about being home at a certain time, or sitting in the dark unable to breathe, because of all the cigarette smoke. anyways, it was a challenging change but so worth it. and i was able to do it with the support of my wonderful Father Jesus Christ, my parents, my friends, my sisters in Christ, and my wonderful new boyfriend that became my boyfriend after a week of moving out. He and I just kinda happened, and it’s been amazing. While living with my ex, we were broken up for almost a month, so it was a very lonely breakup…which just died very slow. Ryan started talking to me before I moved out, helped me move out, and has been there for me ever since. He puts God first, goes to church, is active in his church, has changed his life immensely over the past 3 years and I am so proud of the man he is today. 2 years sober from drinking.

 

I on the other hand, am 4 months sober today! It has not been easy but with God’s hand holding mine, I’ve been able to brave the cravings and hard times. Thank you Lord.