Effed up!

Bri & I have been talking again, every now & then she brings up the falling out. So I came up with this idea and this is the convo:

Me : “I know i don’t want to talk about our falling out, so maybe we should let each other read whatever writings, poems, anything that we felt during that time, so we can both understand the pain and maybe it will help us work on healing that pain.”

Bri: “I didn’t do anything like that while we were apart…saved one, and it was a prayer of thanks that I wrote down.”

A prayer of thanks for real?!

“Thanks for helping me cut ties with a toxic person. She was a bad friend, never cared about me, and always put me down. Plus she brought her drugs into my life and got me addicted. And so when I tried getting her to quit using with me, her refusal that ‘she wasn’t ready’ answered many questions i had about our friendship…so thank you for killing those toxins in my life.”

I’m guessing that’s what it said.

So, um…I have doubts about being friends with her again. Is she genuine this time around or is she just lonely?

image

not sure how to deal with this

wpid-cymera_20140622_024647.jpg

Ok to sum up what this letter is about, about 3 weeks ago, my best friend cut me from her life. She said that i was a bad friend, which is complete crap b/c our whole friendship she said she was so thankful i was in her life…anyways, basically she was very unhappy with her life, unhappy with her job, her lack of love life, and felt like she needed to get away. She had been seeing a therapist and when she told me that i was a bad friend, i knew exactly what was going on…and then she decided to piss me off some more and blame me for her getting hooked on drugs. um…ok. bye. i never forced her to do drugs, plus she was smoking pot way before i came into her life. anyways, so she doesn’t talk to me…period. and yes i’m bitter about it still, but i also want to fix this. So i wrote her a long ass letter, which i’m still contemplating on giving her…

Briana,

            I hope you’re doing well. It sure would be nice if we could remain pen pals…just write to each other once a week that would be nice instead of just pretending that we passed away or our friendship never existed.

            Except it did exist. Because I felt like a person again. I didn’t just feel like a human being in this world just coasting by like every one does on this planet. I felt like a special soul being able to connect with another special soul and it felt like we were meant to connect and never split. You gave me hope in our friendship for my future. I planned on growing old with you, having you be my maid of honor, my baby’s godmother, and my friend for life. I want you to be in my life for all the good and bad. I want to share life’s adventures with you and know that nothing could ever be that bad, because you would be right by my side.

            I know the saying about one person shouldn’t be the reason for your happiness in life. I know not having you in my life won’t crumble my being, but it will sting for a long time. You were the only reason I’d come home to Cheney, to catch up on our previous week chit chat, exchange some laughter and relax in each other’s company. When I needed a break from Drew, you were right there. You were there for me every time I needed you; every time I needed a friend…you were there. Yes, we both steered off track here and there but we were always supportive of each other. You were my only friend, my true friend that I had been waiting for, for so many years. And during those times, I was really lonely…yet kept smiling…because I knew one day I’d find a good true friend, that will put my heart back together.

            And here I am, writing to the only true friend I had and truly cherished, knowing you probably won’t even read this, and that I can’t tell you how much I miss you…every day. And that I wish I could go back and change things, and I just want to drive over to your house and give you a big silent hug. It hurts knowing that you might reject my hug – when once was all that we needed from each other. I can’t accept the fact that we might never be friends again. Which is why I can’t stop my letters. I don’t want to let you go. You had awakened parts of my soul that I never knew I had. You revived my heart from toxic past friendships. You encouraged me to find myself and love myself the right way. You were honest, loyal, and welcomed my flaws. You made me strive for a better outlook on life and helped my fear of change transform into excited and wanting to change. You saved my life emotionally, mentally, and physically. You made my life worth living.

            I know you’re thinking this is all about you (me), and how I’ve (you) made an impact on your (mine) life. I apologize greatly for not being a good friend. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you enough, or didn’t encourage you enough, or didn’t protect you enough, or thanked you enough, or cared for you enough, or lacked in trying to help you heal when you needed it most. I’m sorry you blame me for getting you hooked on drugs. That sucks, but I blamed Stacie for the same thing. But blaming her didn’t help me turn things around, it just made me brew about it more. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, blamed a lot of people for my mistakes (Nick, Stacie…) but I have my own mind – I made the choices to do them, nobody forced me. I only did them with Stacie because she was my only friend at the time and I wanted to keep her in my life even though she was a horrible friend. If you did drugs because you thought I would reject you if you didn’t, then we are both sick in the head. Yes, I should have kept them away from you when you were sick – I was not a good friend then, and your pent up anger about that makes me realize that I was selfish and not supportive to your healing process. I was not in the mind set I should have been and I’m sorry for not being the friend you needed and deserved at that time. I regret words, things I’ve done, didn’t do, and didn’t say in my past. I can’t change the effects of my consequences, I can either try and fix them the only way I know how, brew about them till they consume me, forget about it with out dealing with them, or learn from them, forgive myself and others and move on. I really really want to try and fix this. You and I have been through too much to just toss in the trash. You became a part of my family. Dad and Gina love you, care about you, like they do me. They were happy I found a good friend, someone with good morals and values, friendly and kooky like me, some one who helped a hiding heart, bloom into the beautiful flower she once was, creating memories, posting happy smiling pictures on her walls, being goofy and smiley just coloring, driving down the road, or listening to music. You sparked a light in me and it will stay lit and bright for the rest of my life. You pulled out of my dark sad shell and gave me light.

            “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

            Because of you, my light will always shine. I hope yours will too. I love you BLynn. Sometimes you gotta do what’s best for you. I am so thankful for the time we had together and the memories we created. You will always have a spot in my heart and a piece of my soul.

            If you’d like me to stop writing you, can you please write me back, text me, email me…something – because I will keep writing you – just so you know that I think about you every day and only want you to be oh so happy and love yourself and your life. I’m sure you have times where you get lonely and start to doubt the decisions you’ve made, maybe are scared of what the future holds…I know I do.  You may even get the urge to call me, but you can’t.  You have started a new chapter in your life, becoming a new you. You don’t need cheesy pirate jokes to make your giggle or song lyrics to make you reminisce on old feelings.

            I’m reading this book by Dr. Phil, “Self Matters”; it’s about finding your authentic self. It has questions and exercises to help you discover your inner self. Here’s a bit to sum up the book:

                     “if your mind has gotten dull and you just aren’t as sharp as you used to be, you aren’t getting old or dumb; it’s just that your authentic self is getting buried. It’s fighting for air. If your emotions are marked by cynicism, apathy, hopelessness, and a lack of optimism, I am because you have abandoned yourself and what matters to you. If you are choosing what you do, what you think about, and put at the top of your priority list based on what you think others expect instead of what matters to you, then you have “fictional infection.” Your authentic self has been infected with a lot of nongenuine living that has ignored who you are and has created a fictional self instead. Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you.”

I find it really interesting and helpful in my life. I wish we could have worked through it together.