Self-doubt

So I’ve been at this private golf course for a year and 4 months. This job has given me so much that my last job couldn’t. It gave me the chance to get out of my bad relationship and move into my own apartment. It gave me the chance to work hard to stop my bad habits that my last job only enabled. It gave me my wonderful husband, who I met working here. However, I’m very happy with the blessings I’ve received from this job. But the downside to working here is that there is no room for me to move up in this company. everyone that works here has a very permanent residence with this company. My boss’s wife is the business manager, the general manager’s daughter is the membership manager. And unless i want to become a golf professional, which i don’t, i won’t be able to move up. I got into this industry by coincidence, my dad was working the public course just during the summer (he’s a teacher so it’s not like he really needs to work, but he likes the free golf) and i needed another job so he brought me in and the manager just gave me the job. so I worked at Cherry Oaks for 4 years before I came here. But I had different jobs in the meantime; I was a para for a month, I worked with adults with disabilities for 6 months until I got hurt on the job, and I worked odd jobs along with those. But I know what i’m doing, this job isn’t hard. It’s just not taking me anywhere, and at the end of the day I don’t feel like I’ve changed anybody’s life.

I want to feel useful at my job. I want to feel like i’m making a difference.

I applied for an Elementary Reading Para in my hometown and haven’t heard from the school since I applied.  My confidence is rather thin and my self-doubt is sky high. Satan knows how to get in my head and tell me i’m not worth a better job. He knows how to break me down and make me fall apart. I try to give my worries to God. I pray and hope for a new start everyday. I don’t like praying for myself because i don’t like to be selfish. i always pray for other people to gain happiness. i’m pretty happy with my life right now. i’m married to a wonderful christian man, i am employed (even if i don’t like my job), i have a vehicle, my health is good, i’m sober and i have a great family. i have a pretty good life.

I just hope something better comes along soon. I would like to be able to have a good job that makes me feel good after a long day. Like I helped a student learn and feel good about themselves. I would be a great para. I wasn’t when before, because I wasn’t sober. But i know what i did wrong. Everything. and i think, given a second chance, i could really prove to myself and my family that I was meant to help kids learn and succeed. When i was in elementary school, I was part of the Kool Kats, kids who needed help in certain areas of learning. I needed help with math and reading. I made wonderful connections with the high school students that helped me and the teachers of the class. I feel like I can give back what those people gave to me.

i’ll keep praying until something comes my way. If i don’t get that job, God isn’t saying “No”, he’s just saying “not yet”.

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Repentance

So because of this stupid drug consuming my every thought & action, every second it’s flowing through my veins, wasting my precious time away because I’m always thinking about my next hit… I am in jeopardy of losing my job. And this job could turn into a career…and heal my heart and give me purpose of living a positive happy life. And come Monday, I have a big decision to make about whether I should tell the school principal (who might i add was my Math teacher sophomore year in high school), district members, and 2 of my supervisors that the reason I never made it to work on time or was absent was because I have a drug problem.
Or if i should just keep my mouth shut.

This last week I stayed clean because of my boyfriend finding my piece & threatening to call the cops, the school i work at, my dad, and kick me out. So that pretty much slapped me back to reality and sobriety real fast. And i was making it to school on time this whole last week that i had to stop using. Cold turkey might i add & withdrawing from my Zoloft. Could get ugly, but I love my job…i love the kids i work with…i love helping them learn and want to learn. Losing this job will send me back down the depression/addict road. And…i can’t go down there…
Not again…
….I need to pray…every second I get.

Just let me be

Lately when I’ve been going to stay at my dad’s while I’m working at the golf course in town, I keep getting volunteered speeches from my stepmom. And it’s really starting to piss me off. I know she means well but seriously she doesn’t understand the fact that i like to be alone when I’m home. It’s been like that for years & years…i often stay in my room, and work on many different projects, and i like being alone…i can listen to my music, i can do whatever i want. Living with my dad before he met my stepmom, we both kinda kept to ourselves. We would eat together, maybe watch tv, have a convo here and there but for the most part, i was in my room blaring my music and he was in his office blaring his music. My stepmom just thinks there’s something wrong with me whenever I’m in my room with the door shut for hours. I come out, use the loo, get some water or whatever but fuck I’m a Pisces, i like to be alone. But anyways, her “speeches” are just kind of rude encouragement. I recently got terminated from my job bc i missed too many days bc of a concussion i got from my client…at work. So i picked up as many shifts as i could at the golf course until i could find another job…which i was offered two days later for a Para position at an elementary school. I am very behind on the truck, car, payments but I’m getting caught up slowly. The other day, my day off…I slept in, lounged around watching the telly and worked on a puzzle, then took a nap…right around the time that the rents got home from school…so my stepmom automatically assumed i had been sleeping all day. She keeps commenting on my weight, and how i need to build myself back up. Um…seriously I’m just fine…i don’t need you telling me to work on my self esteem…I’m hanging in there. It’s just annoying. Just feels like she’s trying too hard…when really just be my stepmom, not my life coach.

not sure how to deal with this

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Ok to sum up what this letter is about, about 3 weeks ago, my best friend cut me from her life. She said that i was a bad friend, which is complete crap b/c our whole friendship she said she was so thankful i was in her life…anyways, basically she was very unhappy with her life, unhappy with her job, her lack of love life, and felt like she needed to get away. She had been seeing a therapist and when she told me that i was a bad friend, i knew exactly what was going on…and then she decided to piss me off some more and blame me for her getting hooked on drugs. um…ok. bye. i never forced her to do drugs, plus she was smoking pot way before i came into her life. anyways, so she doesn’t talk to me…period. and yes i’m bitter about it still, but i also want to fix this. So i wrote her a long ass letter, which i’m still contemplating on giving her…

Briana,

            I hope you’re doing well. It sure would be nice if we could remain pen pals…just write to each other once a week that would be nice instead of just pretending that we passed away or our friendship never existed.

            Except it did exist. Because I felt like a person again. I didn’t just feel like a human being in this world just coasting by like every one does on this planet. I felt like a special soul being able to connect with another special soul and it felt like we were meant to connect and never split. You gave me hope in our friendship for my future. I planned on growing old with you, having you be my maid of honor, my baby’s godmother, and my friend for life. I want you to be in my life for all the good and bad. I want to share life’s adventures with you and know that nothing could ever be that bad, because you would be right by my side.

            I know the saying about one person shouldn’t be the reason for your happiness in life. I know not having you in my life won’t crumble my being, but it will sting for a long time. You were the only reason I’d come home to Cheney, to catch up on our previous week chit chat, exchange some laughter and relax in each other’s company. When I needed a break from Drew, you were right there. You were there for me every time I needed you; every time I needed a friend…you were there. Yes, we both steered off track here and there but we were always supportive of each other. You were my only friend, my true friend that I had been waiting for, for so many years. And during those times, I was really lonely…yet kept smiling…because I knew one day I’d find a good true friend, that will put my heart back together.

            And here I am, writing to the only true friend I had and truly cherished, knowing you probably won’t even read this, and that I can’t tell you how much I miss you…every day. And that I wish I could go back and change things, and I just want to drive over to your house and give you a big silent hug. It hurts knowing that you might reject my hug – when once was all that we needed from each other. I can’t accept the fact that we might never be friends again. Which is why I can’t stop my letters. I don’t want to let you go. You had awakened parts of my soul that I never knew I had. You revived my heart from toxic past friendships. You encouraged me to find myself and love myself the right way. You were honest, loyal, and welcomed my flaws. You made me strive for a better outlook on life and helped my fear of change transform into excited and wanting to change. You saved my life emotionally, mentally, and physically. You made my life worth living.

            I know you’re thinking this is all about you (me), and how I’ve (you) made an impact on your (mine) life. I apologize greatly for not being a good friend. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you enough, or didn’t encourage you enough, or didn’t protect you enough, or thanked you enough, or cared for you enough, or lacked in trying to help you heal when you needed it most. I’m sorry you blame me for getting you hooked on drugs. That sucks, but I blamed Stacie for the same thing. But blaming her didn’t help me turn things around, it just made me brew about it more. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, blamed a lot of people for my mistakes (Nick, Stacie…) but I have my own mind – I made the choices to do them, nobody forced me. I only did them with Stacie because she was my only friend at the time and I wanted to keep her in my life even though she was a horrible friend. If you did drugs because you thought I would reject you if you didn’t, then we are both sick in the head. Yes, I should have kept them away from you when you were sick – I was not a good friend then, and your pent up anger about that makes me realize that I was selfish and not supportive to your healing process. I was not in the mind set I should have been and I’m sorry for not being the friend you needed and deserved at that time. I regret words, things I’ve done, didn’t do, and didn’t say in my past. I can’t change the effects of my consequences, I can either try and fix them the only way I know how, brew about them till they consume me, forget about it with out dealing with them, or learn from them, forgive myself and others and move on. I really really want to try and fix this. You and I have been through too much to just toss in the trash. You became a part of my family. Dad and Gina love you, care about you, like they do me. They were happy I found a good friend, someone with good morals and values, friendly and kooky like me, some one who helped a hiding heart, bloom into the beautiful flower she once was, creating memories, posting happy smiling pictures on her walls, being goofy and smiley just coloring, driving down the road, or listening to music. You sparked a light in me and it will stay lit and bright for the rest of my life. You pulled out of my dark sad shell and gave me light.

            “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

            Because of you, my light will always shine. I hope yours will too. I love you BLynn. Sometimes you gotta do what’s best for you. I am so thankful for the time we had together and the memories we created. You will always have a spot in my heart and a piece of my soul.

            If you’d like me to stop writing you, can you please write me back, text me, email me…something – because I will keep writing you – just so you know that I think about you every day and only want you to be oh so happy and love yourself and your life. I’m sure you have times where you get lonely and start to doubt the decisions you’ve made, maybe are scared of what the future holds…I know I do.  You may even get the urge to call me, but you can’t.  You have started a new chapter in your life, becoming a new you. You don’t need cheesy pirate jokes to make your giggle or song lyrics to make you reminisce on old feelings.

            I’m reading this book by Dr. Phil, “Self Matters”; it’s about finding your authentic self. It has questions and exercises to help you discover your inner self. Here’s a bit to sum up the book:

                     “if your mind has gotten dull and you just aren’t as sharp as you used to be, you aren’t getting old or dumb; it’s just that your authentic self is getting buried. It’s fighting for air. If your emotions are marked by cynicism, apathy, hopelessness, and a lack of optimism, I am because you have abandoned yourself and what matters to you. If you are choosing what you do, what you think about, and put at the top of your priority list based on what you think others expect instead of what matters to you, then you have “fictional infection.” Your authentic self has been infected with a lot of nongenuine living that has ignored who you are and has created a fictional self instead. Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you.”

I find it really interesting and helpful in my life. I wish we could have worked through it together.