The question of my life
“Why do i do the things i do?”
I know the things i do, I’m aware of my choices, right or wrong. So why do i do the things i do, knowing they are not the right choice but continue to do it anyway?
I’m scared? I’m lazy? I’m worried? I’m stubborn? I’m dangerous? I’m…I’m not sure I’ll ever find a reason.
I just started at a hotel last week. Granted I’m still in training and working my golf course job. So this is my last week working at the course, but I’ll still be employed there but I’ll be working at the hotel primarily. I love the course, i love my co-workers, i love the customers, it’s an easy laid back job. But run by the city, since we are a small town…no employee is considered full time…even if we work our asses off…still part time. Now the hotel position is still part time but I’ll be getting more than 30 hours a week there. But, it’s not an easy or laid back job. I have to wear a uniform…not that I’m against a uniform…but mine does not fit. My vest is too big, my pants are too short, and I can’t afford new pants or shoes at the moment. I’ll constantly be standing, i do not get a meal break unless I’m working 7+ hours. And I’m constantly dealing with customers…and hotel customers aren’t always happy. The hotel never closes…so i could see Bob Smith who complains constantly more than a 24 hour span…he could be staying all week.
I guess I’m so used to my easy golf course job that I’ve been so scared to venture off into another job. I’m comfortable with the course, but the hours I’m getting don’t cut it and the hours ill be working at the hotel won’t let me see the course ever again…and the boyfriend wants me to lose that job for good. But the course is like a second home to me. My dad got me the job…since he was working there too and they needed help…the manager just gave me a job. My dad is also a die hard golfer…has to be to be the high school boys golf coach. The way my stepmom has been towards me lately…(banning me from my home-long story) the golf course is the only place I can keep in touch with my dad. The course has stuck it out with me with several jobs, that eventually fizzled but they were always there to help me back up when i needed hours. I can’t let it go.
This hotel job has some pros & cons…a con the addict in me sees is there is no way for me to get a fix…i cannot smoke on the job…i could ingest it but that’s horrible. But the recovered me sees that as a big PRO. I cannot sit down which is a big con for my chronic hip pain. So when it comes down to it…is comfort more important than making money?
So why do i do the things i do? Today is Monday, I was scheduled 7 – 3 at the hotel…i had to take my boyfriend to work at 6:30 which left me a mere 10 minutes to drive a 20 min route to arrive on time at 7am. At 6:06am, i sent my boss an email…saying I’d be late to work (true) bc I had to take my boyfriend to work at 6:30 (true) in a town an hour away (lie). I also lied to my boyfriend about making it to work. Why am i not at work right now? Bc I knew i was going to be late (true) but didn’t really want to go to work bc i am tired, i wanted to smoke before hand, i just don’t really give a crap, I’m scared, I’m lazy, I’m careless, I’m depressed, I’m an addict…and i am aware of all these excuses, I’m aware of all my choices, I’m aware of all my decisions & actions…i know what I’m doing is irresponsible, dishonest, foolish, and yet i continue to do these things over and over again. Why?
Because I’m afraid of change. That’s why i do the things i do…because I’m afraid of change. Afraid that this change will end up being a good thing. Afraid to break out of my comfort zone to adapt to a new job, new people, new rules, new attitudes…that it will inspire / encourage / motivate me to get sober, to become stronger/wiser, to stir up my thoughts into believing i can do something, that i deserve better, and achieve success.
That shit fucking scares me.