Self-doubt

So I’ve been at this private golf course for a year and 4 months. This job has given me so much that my last job couldn’t. It gave me the chance to get out of my bad relationship and move into my own apartment. It gave me the chance to work hard to stop my bad habits that my last job only enabled. It gave me my wonderful husband, who I met working here. However, I’m very happy with the blessings I’ve received from this job. But the downside to working here is that there is no room for me to move up in this company. everyone that works here has a very permanent residence with this company. My boss’s wife is the business manager, the general manager’s daughter is the membership manager. And unless i want to become a golf professional, which i don’t, i won’t be able to move up. I got into this industry by coincidence, my dad was working the public course just during the summer (he’s a teacher so it’s not like he really needs to work, but he likes the free golf) and i needed another job so he brought me in and the manager just gave me the job. so I worked at Cherry Oaks for 4 years before I came here. But I had different jobs in the meantime; I was a para for a month, I worked with adults with disabilities for 6 months until I got hurt on the job, and I worked odd jobs along with those. But I know what i’m doing, this job isn’t hard. It’s just not taking me anywhere, and at the end of the day I don’t feel like I’ve changed anybody’s life.

I want to feel useful at my job. I want to feel like i’m making a difference.

I applied for an Elementary Reading Para in my hometown and haven’t heard from the school since I applied.  My confidence is rather thin and my self-doubt is sky high. Satan knows how to get in my head and tell me i’m not worth a better job. He knows how to break me down and make me fall apart. I try to give my worries to God. I pray and hope for a new start everyday. I don’t like praying for myself because i don’t like to be selfish. i always pray for other people to gain happiness. i’m pretty happy with my life right now. i’m married to a wonderful christian man, i am employed (even if i don’t like my job), i have a vehicle, my health is good, i’m sober and i have a great family. i have a pretty good life.

I just hope something better comes along soon. I would like to be able to have a good job that makes me feel good after a long day. Like I helped a student learn and feel good about themselves. I would be a great para. I wasn’t when before, because I wasn’t sober. But i know what i did wrong. Everything. and i think, given a second chance, i could really prove to myself and my family that I was meant to help kids learn and succeed. When i was in elementary school, I was part of the Kool Kats, kids who needed help in certain areas of learning. I needed help with math and reading. I made wonderful connections with the high school students that helped me and the teachers of the class. I feel like I can give back what those people gave to me.

i’ll keep praying until something comes my way. If i don’t get that job, God isn’t saying “No”, he’s just saying “not yet”.

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I made it

I thought i’d post to tell everyone who reads this blog that I made it 1 year sober!!!! I hit some snags along the way and thought about using, maybe wanted to, and even tried getting it but I stopped myself from going through with it. God sure sticks by ya in times of trouble and I was so tempted to give up and go back to my routinely use. But I knew I needed to prove a lot of people wrong, including myself. And I was so happy when I was able to conquer my addiction. Yes, 1 year is still the beginning but my mind is so much clearer and with God in my life daily, I no longer am scared of the future. I am getting married to my best friend in 7 days and I wouldn’t be here without God in my life. I’d be stuck in that crappy depressing apartment with my drunk ex boyfriend, second hand smoke lung cancer, and a spiraling meth addiction.

Glory be to GOD, He saved me. He rescued me. He gave me strength. He gave me hope. He gave me purpose. He gave me life. He gave me everything. He is my savior!!!

2016

This year has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, but some very amazing things happened that totally beat all the bad. I accepted Jesus back into my heart in March. I’ve been sober since April. I met an amazing man in June. I moved out in August and started dating this amazing man. I went to my 3rd Encounter the Cross in October. I got engaged in November. More good memories than bad. I’ve been very blessed. Much thanks to my family and friends!!!

I am cutting out Facebook for a few months to work on wedding planning. If I decide to start it back up, i’ll do so after i’m married. There’s just so much baggage, pain, and crap on Facebook these days. I get so wrapped up in other people’s lives…people that i’m not even friends with anymore and that’s begun to take a toll on my stress levels. Anyways, i’m hoping to keep this up and alive through out my Facebook hiatus. It will be good for me to write about happy things, things that could help a reader.

My sobriety journey hasn’t been easy…still at 8 months, i still have cravings and drug dreams. Although with God guiding me, i’m able to overcome those cravings with his strength. The dreams will subside throughout time hopefully, but I have a wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ and i am beyond blessed to have his hand helping me through this.

Hebrews 11:1

God is wonderful!

God works in mysterious ways. He gave me the courage to get out of a bad relationship and out on my own. He has provided for me in many ways. He never abandoned me when I felt abandoned by my ex. He loved me even though I felt unloved by my ex. He comforted me when I felt unsafe emotionally and physically by my ex. He gave me hope when my ex gave me none. He listened to my cries when I felt like no one else would. He lifted me up when I hit rock bottom. He was the rock on which I stood, when all other ground was sinking in front of my eyes. He took away my exhaustion and gave me strength. He took away my addiction and gave me 6+ months of sobriety. He took away my inner battles and gave me peace. He took away my self hatred and gave me a healing self love. He pulled me out of my dark spiral and shined his light on me and my future. He knows the plans for my life. All along, he knew the things that I needed and He had a plan to unfold them at the right time. He gave me the opportunity to go to Encounter, which for many years I prayed, screamed, and cried for a sign. He used many prayers from my family to show me his eternal love. He lit a fire in my soul, when I had felt coldness from bad relationships, addictions, and self-harm since high school. He challenged my faith when rough situations were at my feet. He wrapped his arms around me many times when I felt like giving up. And he’s high fived me for the successes I’ve overcome.

In the end of June, He led me to a wonderful christian man, who in August became my boyfriend just 5 days after moving out of my ex’s. (My ex and I were no longer dating from July til I moved out) Although our relationship started very fast after I moved out, I was not hesitant one bit when he asked me on a date. God brought this man into my life for a reason. We both needed each other and with our sketchy pasts, our future was in God’s hands and He turned our pasts into a story of triumph. After a mere 3 months of dating, Ryan proposed to me last night, and with no doubts in our minds, we are destined for each other. We are soul mates. And with many years of pain and addiction, this is my first relationship where I am confident to say that God guided both of us together, two people who are sober and put God first. I know there will be tough times, but with God as our first priority, we will get through them together. God is wonderful!!
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4!

So it’s been about 4 weeks since i moved out on my own. My ex and I went our separate ways in a mutual manner which was so easy. He wasn’t bitter about the last few days, but it was still sad to part ways.

But being out on my own is great. I don’t have to worry about being home at a certain time, or sitting in the dark unable to breathe, because of all the cigarette smoke. anyways, it was a challenging change but so worth it. and i was able to do it with the support of my wonderful Father Jesus Christ, my parents, my friends, my sisters in Christ, and my wonderful new boyfriend that became my boyfriend after a week of moving out. He and I just kinda happened, and it’s been amazing. While living with my ex, we were broken up for almost a month, so it was a very lonely breakup…which just died very slow. Ryan started talking to me before I moved out, helped me move out, and has been there for me ever since. He puts God first, goes to church, is active in his church, has changed his life immensely over the past 3 years and I am so proud of the man he is today. 2 years sober from drinking.

 

I on the other hand, am 4 months sober today! It has not been easy but with God’s hand holding mine, I’ve been able to brave the cravings and hard times. Thank you Lord.

we were made to THRIVE

Well, for a few months my boyfriend and I haven’t been intimate and pretty much for the fact that i’ve lost that loving feeling for him and also my faith has grown so much that I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable about sex.

Growing up, I knew that sex before marriage was wrong and that you should save yourself for your husband. Well, i was dumb and wanted to fit in and look cool in front of my friends, so I ignored that. But over the years of any intimacy i’ve been in, i always felt this uncomfortable feeling afterwards. Like i was hungry, maybe deydrated, or maybe it was that I just did something I knew was unsettling with my faith.

Well, my boyfriend has been making remarks like “why don’t you touch me?” lately. and well I felt it was time to tell him how i’ve been feeling. I calmly told him that “i’m just in a different spot right now, it’s not you, it’s my faith. It’s changing many things and it’s hard to go against it. and it’s not a cop out. but i’m sorry you don’t feel loved by me, i know that’s not a good feeling.”

I feel bad of course, but for the first time in my life, i feel like i’m doing what i need to do for me. So in a few days, i’m sure i’ll be ready to move out and on with my life, in the direction that God wants me to go. Yes, it’s scary and challenging, but i’ve done it all wrong for so long, i’m ready to do things right.

Along with my new challenges, I’m proud to say that I am almost 3 months sober. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world, to know that i’ve lasted longer than the time before. I know that God is really rooting for me.

We were made to THRIVE!!!

New Job New Life Course

Big ass update….

So I quit the golf course I was at in ole Cheney for 4 years and got this new gig in Wichita at a private club. (oooh ahhh) I was working at the Holidaeeeey Innnn for like 4 days and then quit when I got offered this job. Full time at 10.00 an hour not bad but with benefits which is bomb! This place is real nice and the members here are real nice too and have gadzooks of money in their pockets. But despite that, this club has members that my parents knew back in the day…people that knew my grandparents in Hillsboro. Cool stuff. So that makes it more special. But the biggest most awesomest thing about this place is… it has helped me stay sober. 2 months going strong…i know i know, 2 months is not a lot of time but my faith has helped me thru some rough issues these past 2 months. My grama Ferne passed, I watched her take her last breath, I had to be there to support my dad. and since getting this job only good things have come my way, Thank You Lord!!

 

My relationshit…well that’s what it is. Shit. It’s going nowhere, and i think we both know that. He can’t trust me not to do drugs again and hurt him and I can’t trust that he won’t physically hurt me again. In the heat of a huge arguement one night, I said something about giving me the keys to MY truck (i co-signed for him) and that set him off in a rage of drunken evil in which he flew off the bed, charged at me, grabbed my throat and pushed me against the wall and almost knocked my lights out. I told myself if i were eve in a relationship like that, i would leave. but we all know, how hard it is for ourselves to find the door. i love him but i’m not going to live my life in fear everyday, and we both have demons that we as a couple are not going to be able to deal with right now. so as soon as i have the funds, i’m going to move out. he knows how to control my every move which is bullshit b/c i’m not going to stand for it anymore. this job is great for me, i have any connection i need…but the lifestyle he leads is not going to help me. he drinks more and more every day. and that’s not the direction i need, especially for my new found sobriety.

that’s all i can sum up at this moment. basically because my fingers are tired of typing on this shitty keyboard.

 

tooodles!