we were made to THRIVE

Well, for a few months my boyfriend and I haven’t been intimate and pretty much for the fact that i’ve lost that loving feeling for him and also my faith has grown so much that I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable about sex.

Growing up, I knew that sex before marriage was wrong and that you should save yourself for your husband. Well, i was dumb and wanted to fit in and look cool in front of my friends, so I ignored that. But over the years of any intimacy i’ve been in, i always felt this uncomfortable feeling afterwards. Like i was hungry, maybe deydrated, or maybe it was that I just did something I knew was unsettling with my faith.

Well, my boyfriend has been making remarks like “why don’t you touch me?” lately. and well I felt it was time to tell him how i’ve been feeling. I calmly told him that “i’m just in a different spot right now, it’s not you, it’s my faith. It’s changing many things and it’s hard to go against it. and it’s not a cop out. but i’m sorry you don’t feel loved by me, i know that’s not a good feeling.”

I feel bad of course, but for the first time in my life, i feel like i’m doing what i need to do for me. So in a few days, i’m sure i’ll be ready to move out and on with my life, in the direction that God wants me to go. Yes, it’s scary and challenging, but i’ve done it all wrong for so long, i’m ready to do things right.

Along with my new challenges, I’m proud to say that I am almost 3 months sober. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world, to know that i’ve lasted longer than the time before. I know that God is really rooting for me.

We were made to THRIVE!!!

New Job New Life Course

Big ass update….

So I quit the golf course I was at in ole Cheney for 4 years and got this new gig in Wichita at a private club. (oooh ahhh) I was working at the Holidaeeeey Innnn for like 4 days and then quit when I got offered this job. Full time at 10.00 an hour not bad but with benefits which is bomb! This place is real nice and the members here are real nice too and have gadzooks of money in their pockets. But despite that, this club has members that my parents knew back in the day…people that knew my grandparents in Hillsboro. Cool stuff. So that makes it more special. But the biggest most awesomest thing about this place is… it has helped me stay sober. 2 months going strong…i know i know, 2 months is not a lot of time but my faith has helped me thru some rough issues these past 2 months. My grama Ferne passed, I watched her take her last breath, I had to be there to support my dad. and since getting this job only good things have come my way, Thank You Lord!!

 

My relationshit…well that’s what it is. Shit. It’s going nowhere, and i think we both know that. He can’t trust me not to do drugs again and hurt him and I can’t trust that he won’t physically hurt me again. In the heat of a huge arguement one night, I said something about giving me the keys to MY truck (i co-signed for him) and that set him off in a rage of drunken evil in which he flew off the bed, charged at me, grabbed my throat and pushed me against the wall and almost knocked my lights out. I told myself if i were eve in a relationship like that, i would leave. but we all know, how hard it is for ourselves to find the door. i love him but i’m not going to live my life in fear everyday, and we both have demons that we as a couple are not going to be able to deal with right now. so as soon as i have the funds, i’m going to move out. he knows how to control my every move which is bullshit b/c i’m not going to stand for it anymore. this job is great for me, i have any connection i need…but the lifestyle he leads is not going to help me. he drinks more and more every day. and that’s not the direction i need, especially for my new found sobriety.

that’s all i can sum up at this moment. basically because my fingers are tired of typing on this shitty keyboard.

 

tooodles!

 

Oldies

So I’ve been hanging out with my best friend from high school lately. The one that my boyfriend hates. The one my mom hates. The one that never treated me right. The one that has always lied to me. The one that only wanted to be friends when it would benefit her. The one that uses other people. But i have such a soft heart for damaged people. 

Why do i do the things i do

The question of my life
   “Why do i do the things i do?”

I know the things i do, I’m aware of my choices, right or wrong. So why do i do the things i do, knowing they are not the right choice but continue to do it anyway?

I’m scared? I’m lazy? I’m worried? I’m stubborn? I’m dangerous? I’m…I’m not sure I’ll ever find a reason.

I just started at a hotel last week. Granted I’m still in training and working my golf course job. So this is my last week working at the course, but I’ll still be employed there but I’ll be working at the hotel primarily. I love the course, i love my co-workers, i love the customers, it’s an easy laid back job. But run by the city, since we are a small town…no employee is considered full time…even if we work our asses off…still part time. Now the hotel position is still part time but I’ll be getting more than 30 hours a week there. But, it’s not an easy or laid back job. I have to wear a uniform…not that I’m against a uniform…but mine does not fit. My vest is too big, my pants are too short, and I can’t afford new pants or shoes at the moment. I’ll constantly be standing, i do not get a meal break unless I’m working 7+ hours. And I’m constantly dealing with customers…and hotel customers aren’t always happy. The hotel never closes…so i could see Bob Smith who complains constantly more than a 24 hour span…he could be staying all week.

I guess I’m so used to my easy golf course job that I’ve been so scared to venture off into another job. I’m comfortable with the course, but the hours I’m getting don’t cut it and the hours ill be working at the hotel won’t let me see the course ever again…and the boyfriend wants me to lose that job for good. But the course is like a second home to me. My dad got me the job…since he was working there too and they needed help…the manager just gave me a job. My dad is also a die hard golfer…has to be to be the high school boys golf coach. The way my stepmom has been towards me lately…(banning me from my home-long story) the golf course is the only place I can keep in touch with my dad. The course has stuck it out with me with several jobs, that eventually fizzled but they were always there to help me back up when i needed hours. I can’t let it go.

This hotel job has some pros & cons…a con the addict in me sees is there is no way for me to get a fix…i cannot smoke on the job…i could ingest it but that’s horrible. But the recovered me sees that as a big PRO. I cannot sit down which is a big con for my chronic hip pain. So when it comes down to it…is comfort more important than making money?

So why do i do the things i do? Today is Monday, I was scheduled 7 – 3 at the hotel…i had to take my boyfriend to work at 6:30 which left me a mere 10 minutes to drive a 20 min route to arrive on time at 7am. At 6:06am, i sent my boss an email…saying I’d be late to work (true) bc I  had to take my boyfriend to work at 6:30 (true) in a town an hour away (lie). I also lied to my boyfriend about making it to work. Why am i not at work right now? Bc I knew i was going to be late (true) but didn’t really want to go to work bc i am tired, i wanted to smoke before hand, i just don’t really give a crap, I’m scared, I’m lazy, I’m careless, I’m depressed, I’m an addict…and i am aware of all these excuses, I’m aware of all my choices, I’m aware of all my decisions & actions…i know what I’m doing is irresponsible, dishonest, foolish, and yet i continue to do these things over and over again. Why?

Because I’m afraid of change. That’s why i do the things i do…because I’m afraid of change. Afraid that this change will end up being a good thing. Afraid to break out of my comfort zone to adapt to a new job, new people, new rules, new attitudes…that it will inspire / encourage / motivate me to get sober, to become stronger/wiser, to stir up my thoughts into believing i can do something, that i deserve better, and achieve success.

That shit fucking scares me. 

And again

I aint got much to say

I always do what i want any way

Not much use pep talking myself

Feelin guilty or ashamed doesnt help

One day I’ll be convinced

That being sober just makes sense

The drugs don’t help after awhile

So why put your life on trial

Deep down you know the truth

So why are you still waiting for proof

You don’t need to be numb

And doing it alone just isn’t fun

So do u miss the feeling

Is life not appealing

Are you lacking motivation

Overflowing procrastination

Are you uninspired

Lacking energy just tired

Don’t want to sleep anymore

Does it feel like a chore

Just want to dabble because

Beer isn’t a fun buzz

Risking it all just for a hit

Just stop & fucking quit

Dec. 20 2015

Uninvited

So i quit my antidepressants & feel like im going insane. I quit smoking & now im wheezing like a chain smoker. I told my mom that i lost my job a week late cuz i was ashamed of myself & she uninvited me to the family Thanksgiving meal on Saturday. I’m sorry i lied to you mom. I’m sorry I’ve just caused you worry & anguish all these years. I’m sorry…for not being more like Scotty who joined the army & gets to travel the world or like William who graduated College and seems to have it figured out. I’m sorry for feeling and thinking too much about my life. I’m sorry for doing what makes me happy instead of doing what’s practical to pay the bills. Im sorry I’m unable to just deal with my depression but instead numb myself with drugs bc I can’t handle the physical pain of life. I’m sorry for being just an excuse in your life instead of something you are proud of. I’m sorry for being a failure in your eyes so bad that you have to uninvite me a family dinner on Thanksgiving. Well thank you for giving me the courage to end my pain. Thank you for showing me that instead of putting aside your anger with me for this holiday that you would rather act like i don’t exist. Thank you for proving your point…that since i lied to you about losing my job and that i don’t take anyone’s advice that it’s just ok to treat me like i don’t even matter. Apparently you’re thankful for everyone, except your fucking daughter.

Dueces

Dude…you are such a piece of shit friend! Instead of tearing me apart, why don’t you take a look at yourself and fix your shit.  You don’t talk to me for days and then when you do you pick me apart…this go round of our friendship is pathetic and a waste of my time. You cut me off saying I was a bad friend when you were just so lost in your head and blamed it on me…I am better off without your warped negativity and sad soul. Wallpaper is a better friend than you are. Thanks for giving me a reason to say goodbye.